Making the most of an inoperable situation.

One of the few things I enjoy for lunch lately is a nice crunchy PB&J. I like to have it with no sugar added peanut butter and a no sugar added blackberry jam. Normally, it is delicious. Unfortunately, over the last two weeks my tastes have decided to take a vacation. I can’t taste anything salty. Everything else is muted. I can barely taste my lunch sandwich. Tonight, we had some leftover chicken alfredo pasta and a salad. I could taste the blue cheese crumbles in the salad, but it tastes off. The pasta tasted okay, but I added some Heinz 57 to it to have some kind of flavor. I know, that sounds weird, but when your taste buds are taking a vacation on you, you’ll try anything.

Two nights ago, I opened up some Little Debbie Starcrunch ice cream. It’s only available at Walmart. I was so looking forward to it. Like I said, my tastes are off, so it was muted also. I could taste a bit of the caramel and chocolate. However, my teeth have been so sensitive to cold things. Ice water especially. What was I thinking I could have some ice cream? I had the first bite. I wanted to shriek. It hurt so bad. This, honestly, was the worst pain side effect throughout this entire cancer journey. So painful. I ate about a half-inch down the pint of ice cream. Not much at all. Normally, I’d either kill it or just have half the pint. I couldn’t take it. I closed my eyes with each bite, somehow thinking that would mask the pain and sensitivity. No such luck. Not worth it. Not worth the pain. I’ll stick to cookies for a sweet fix or some sugar free Werther’s. Cookies don’t hurt you or bring the pain. Surprisingly and thankfully I don’t have any heat sensitivity.

Once again, the meteorologist called for massive rain this afternoon. Never happened! Maybe 5 minutes of a shower around 5 PM.

My cats were such brats today. My morning started with me heating up some egg bites like each morning. Pancake, the big one, has some kind of fetish with my cane. He likes to bite the rubber feet on the cane. Chip is learning to from his brother. It starts with him rubbing his face on the cane and tapping it with his front paw. Then he knocks it over and is so proud of himself. He rolls around on the floor in the middle of the walkway. I call to my wife and ask her for help with the situation. It’s every time I go in the kitchen. They swarm me. But during the day, I’m chopped liver. They don’t want to be near me at all. Chip will come in maybe around 4-4:30 PM and hang. But all day? I shouldn’t complain about them too much, but it’s honestly ridiculous at times what they do to me. They have to know I am hobbling around the house. They see me. Does it not compute in their furry little brains? I am at times SO OVER THEM. I love them, but seriously boys, come on!

Anyway, thank you for stopping by!
~Bruce

Good evening, I had some blood work today. Hoping to hear back from my care team to stop some antibiotics. Haven’t heard yet. My results came back immediately. All seems good. I had a bit of dizziness today, not like it has been though. I got up, had my breakfast, and got ready for the day. We went to the blood draw appointment and only waited a few minutes. A quick prick of the needle, and we were on our way back. I have one more blood draw appointment next week and my calendar of appointments is empty. I have an MRI in early August.

My boys have been absent all day. They came in this afternoon to munch on some of their food. Finally, around 5 PM, Chip came in and climbed all over me. He’s a good boy, but they seem to like the front room better than hanging out with me.

We have somewhat of a storm brewing on the other coast. Yesterday, lightning was popping all over and the wind was insane. Lots of rain in the afternoon. The forecast called for more of the same today as the cells moved west across the state. We haven’t seen any today. Barely a sprinkle. Sometimes these meteorologists just get it completely wrong. My wife and I have a name for the Chief Meteorologist we watch: Paul Gotitwrongo.

That’s about it for today. Not much to report on. I hope to have more soon, but I doubt it. It’s slow these days as I’m finished with my chemo and radiation appointments. It’s odd to have this much time on my hands.

Thank you for stopping by!
~Bruce

I figured since I’m not going to treatment every day, I could step back and not post as much. I wouldn’t want to bore anyone with “I watched TV and had lunch today.”

Sometimes I want to blow up. Sometimes I don’t want to keep it in. Today is not a blow-up day. But we all have those days. Days where you don’t want to deal with anyone. Days where nothing seems to feel right. I have them, you have them. We’re just human. Our feelings can erupt and make you feel like the world just doesn’t want to cooperate. Or you feel like you can trigger emotions in others. It’s okay to set boundaries. I need to do this more. Yes, I am in a terrible situation. No, I don’t need or want to feel this way. It sucks. Cancer sucks.

We made egg bites today. My sous chef, my wife, helped me a lot with them. I prep and get them in the molds, and she steams them and does the clean-up for me. We have it down to a science. Teamwork truly does make the dream work.

Restraint: the act of controlling or limiting something. Whether it’s one’s own emotions, actions, or physical movement, or the act of limiting or controlling something or someone else. We all could implement some sort of restraint. I find that setting some boundaries is a healthy way of making yourself and your feelings valid. Restraining yourself is not bottling up feelings and emotions. It makes sense to keep yourself in check. Step back and think of the way your actions can make others feel. I do this, and I try not to upset anyone or step on toes/feelings.

Don’t think I’m on a high horse looking down. Some actions this week have made me give pause and reflect. I’m 45 years old. I don’t want to feel like a baby or child. I don’t want others to make me feel that way either. My situation is shitty. I know this, and I have accepted it. My wife understands this, and we have talked about it.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m the type of person who believes that everything you’ve gone through has brought you to this point in your life. I wouldn’t change anything, not even the diagnosis. Choices and steps you’ve taken to get here have shaped you, your life, and others around you.

So, I may not post daily; I’m still here. I’m still struggling through my day like many others before me and many others behind me. I’m still fighting through this. I may not have treatment and chemo anymore, but I’m still here, living through it. Somehow navigating this diagnosis. Hoping for some shrinkage/stabilization of Rudy.

Thank you for stopping by!
~Bruce

Today I was heating up a stuffed pepper for lunch. The dish was very hot. I didn’t feel comfortable carrying it to the table. I ate at the island in the kitchen. I pulled over the barstool and had lunch. It was delicious. When I finished, I was going to place my dish in the sink and wash it. I slid the barstool over, back where it goes. I lost my balance and the stool went over. CRASH! Such a loud bang. I didn’t fall, but I lost some balance reaching for the stool. It was a terrible sound. It shook me to the core. My hands were shaking. I almost went down. That would have been terrible. My father-in-law came out to see what happened. I was standing at the counter, shaking and nervous. All was good though. Chip came to investigate as well. Then he disappeared. No sight of him the rest of the afternoon. Pancake was nowhere to be found.

Shakily, I made my way back to my room, where I finished the movie I was watching, Mission Impossible: Dead Reckoning. Then I started The Gilded Age on Max. Pretty good, I liked Downton Abbey and this is created by the same person, same feel. They keep saying the name of a character and he shares a name with a formula 1 driver, George Russell. It cracks me up. I am an instant fan. So today I scared myself.

I’m cutting the steroid back. I’m down to 4mg/day now. Maybe I need to go back up to 5 or 6mg. I am not sure if this was the cause of today’s events or me being overzealous to push a stool back. Either way, I felt weak before and after. I feel a slight lightheadedness today, kind of like after a couple puffs of weed. I haven’t had that at all. Slight head buzz. Maybe it is being off the chemo meds and my head going back to normal. I’m not sure, but I know I feel different the last couple of days.

DoorDash will be here soon. I ordered a couple of Italian sandwiches for the wife and me tonight. Haven’t had this in a while. It should be good.

Thank you for stopping by!
~Bruce

Day 2 without radiation or chemo. I’ve been exhausted today. What did I do? Not a thing. The fatigue got me real good. I’ve slept most of the day. Like an unquenchable thirst, I just can’t stay awake today.

I had a bit of a nosebleed this morning. I was a bit concerned. I messaged my care team, and of course, I was told to just monitor it. Make sure it wasn’t persistent. It lasted about 30 minutes this morning. Once it stopped, it didn’t start again. A friend of mine who has been through this said she gets them too, so that made me feel a bit better, I suppose.

Not much else to report today. A lot of snoozing and resting. Just tired. I’m hoping tomorrow is a different story. I like napping, but this was a lot. Chip hung out with me a bit today. A few snuggles from him. I enjoyed that.

Thank you for stopping by!
~Bruce

Wanna hear something weird? I sailed through the treatments 30/30. Not many side effects. Dizziness, weight gain from steroids (and cookies), headache. Not too bad, right? Last week I lost some hair in the back. Yesterday, of all days, my last day, I lost my taste. I took the chemo meds as instructed, as I’ve done for the past 30 cycles. As directed. And it goes away on my last day. Wild! I could taste my breakfast fine. Lunch, no taste. Had a flan around 3, no taste. Dinner, no taste. Our neighbors came by with a bundt cake. Normally delicious. Couldn’t taste a thing. Maybe just the little chocolate chips inside. I hated it. What was the point? Today, no meds, my taste is back! Temporary hatred, but ugh. Everything was muted. Even water!

So today I begin Day 1, 2.0. No chemo, no radiation, no appointments. What will this bring? It’s weird not having to be somewhere. I sat and had breakfast today. Watched a bit of the news early. Didn’t have to take my zofran for nausea or chemo meds. No head buzzing. No headache. No head sweats. I am such a creature of habit and routine. Everything feels off today. I drank my water and hydration powder like I normally would for my radiation appointment.
I still will continue that because it’s good to stay hydrated. But I no longer have to down it by a certain time. Not that they told me to anyway. I just did what I did.

I got some work done today. Staying ahead of the game. I feel good. It’s just odd not having to be somewhere, as I stated above. My wife texted me from work saying the same thing. Odd. Day 1 2.0, what a feeling.

Non-medical-related: I woke up to news that the team principal of my favorite F1 team was sacked. I thought he was also CEO of them. Unanimous ousting. That’s nuts to me. Is this the downfall of my team? Will Max go to Mercedes, as the internet is suggesting? Both contracts for the Merc drivers are up at the end of the year. Silly Season is in full effect. I hope things work out. Vasseur may be out at Ferrari. Horner could go there or Alpine. Alpine is in shambles this season, save for Gasly. He’s driving that tractor into standings it should be nowhere near.

Anyway, thank you for stopping by!
~Bruce

July 8th, 2025, my last day! I did it, you guys! I made it through 30 cycles of radiation and chemo. Emotions got me at the end when I rang the bell. Blood work will continue weekly at the treatment center. I’m so happy to be done with this part of the journey. Now the wait begins. My next MRI is in August. Has Rudy shrunk? Has Rudy stabilized?
Four weeks off and time to overthink things, right? Wrong! Continue to stay positive. Continue your faith. Continue your will to survive this monster diagnosis. FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT!

I’m so happy to have met some wonderful people throughout this crazy time. The staff there was amazing. The patients I have met have been so positive. It’s amazing what a smile and a nod can bring you. Such positivity and joy during what could be the worst time of your life. If I have learned anything through this, it is that perspective and a positive mental outlook can keep you going longer than you think. Keep your faith strong and lean on a support system when you need to. Don’t be afraid to ask for help with anything. Put your ego aside and bend. Allow others to help when necessary.

My wife has been a rock throughout this journey. She has lifted me up when I am down. She kept me going. She kept me fed and hydrated. Thank you for bringing me breakfast and coffee! She is such a strong, caring person, and I am immensely grateful for her. My mother has also been there with me, taking me to appointments and hanging out a couple of days a week.

My radiation friends showed up early for their appointment so they could see me ring the bell. I never thought I would be so happy seeing a couple of “friends” I didn’t even know outside of a cancer center.

I can’t wait to be off the chemo meds and start to feel normal again. Friday was amazing not taking them. I felt like my old self again. I wasn’t as dizzy. I could move better. My head didn’t feel like a microwaved piece of cheese. I know each day will be better the further I am away from these meds. I just need my care team to message me back on the other meds. I messaged them over the weekend and still haven’t heard back yet. I don’t think I will need to continue them, but I want to hear from the horse’s mouth, you know?

Thank you for stopping by!
~Bruce

29 down and 1 to go! As my time with radiation draws to an end, I’m left wondering and hoping that my tumor, Rudy, goes away or shrinks/stabilizes. I had hoped my MRI would be closer to the last appointment, but it is scheduled for the first week of August.

I ordered some mini cupcakes for the staff at the treatment center. They look pretty good. I would love to have one, but I don’t want to break a package for my own wants. To say I’m excited to be done would be an understatement. Going there has been an experience. I’ve made some new “friends.” They’re great people, but I would have loved to have met them under different circumstances. I hope the regular staff is all there so I can see them one last time. I have a bloodwork appointment as well. I will still have weekly blood draws going forward. I’m not sure why they want to check my blood levels so often after I’m done, but I am stoked to not be on so many meds.

I didn’t get to go for a drive this weekend. I was not feeling up to it. I was a bit dizzy and tired. Plus, the rain chances didn’t help my nerves any. Maybe once the chemo is out of my system, I will feel more up to venturing out.

My hair is falling out in clumps in the back. It waited this long to start clumping out. What the heck! I asked my wife to buzz down the semi-mullet I have back there. I think it looks better trimmed up. I gotta get in for a trim or find my clippers and attempt a COVID-style buzz cut or fade. Back then, I taught myself via YouTube how to cut and fade my hair. It was easy and involved lots of pretzeling my arms to get the right angle. Imagine a set of clippers in one hand and an iPhone with the camera on in the other. It was a comical sight to see. Mirrors and pretzel arms. Weird angles.

I got to see the older couple at the radiation center today. They were super nice. They remembered tomorrow is my last day. I hope to see them again tomorrow, but their schedule has changed. I usually only see them in passing at the end of appointments.

Thank you for stopping by!
~Bruce

I’m edging closer and closer to my last treatment. Today I took my chemo dose, and the vertigo is hitting me hard. I’ve had a headache all afternoon. The head sweats have been a lot today. I’ll be so happy when it’s over, and I don’t have to take them any longer.

My boys stayed away most of the day and came in to hang with me around 4 PM. I get they’re independent, but I’m needy for them. Stay with me, guys. Even if you just sleep across the room.

I made a tortellini dish tonight. Easy dump-and-bake recipe. I made some mini meatballs with it. It should be good. I have made it before, but with chicken. I wanted to try it with some homemade mini meatballs. Fingers crossed. I’ll let you know.

We did not have to prep any egg bites today. Last week we made enough to last a couple of weeks. I don’t think I could have today anyway. I’m glad we over-prepped last week. Plenty of fatigue and dizziness today. I didn’t even really feel like cooking tonight, but we gotta eat.

Second to last radiation cycle tomorrow. Last one Tuesday, and I WILL RING THE BELL.

Thank you for stopping by!
~Bruce

I skipped my chemo med TMZ yesterday per the nurse’s order. The specialty pharmacy that compounded my med gave me one less pill than would get me through my last treatment. I messaged my care team through the patient portal, and they said to skip it. No problem, you don’t have to tell me twice. I felt great yesterday. Not much dizziness, no brain fog, no headache. Is this what is in store for me after Tuesday? I sure hope so.

Today I got up around 7:45 a.m. Did my normal routine: get ready, eat, meds, news, etc. I watched some news. Took my chemo meds about an hour after I ate. Then I started to feel it: the dizziness, the headache. My face got red. I had an amazing day yesterday. What could it be? No chemo meds. I was ecstatic. I didn’t want to take my meds today. This was an amazing feeling being off of the meds. I only have a few more days, so I won’t get myself too bummed about it. I’ve come this far. Only a couple of days to go. I will ring that bell Tuesday. Then no more meds. Exciting!

My wife said she noticed a considerable difference in me yesterday. She said I was getting around the house easily. I had more energy. I felt like my old self. I didn’t have the fatigue like before. It was really nice.

The sun set and it was about to begin. It was the 4th of July. Normally, we cover our cars as we have had some damage from fireworks in the past. It usually rains here on the 4th anyway. I’m not petty, but I like my vehicles clean and undamaged. I wasn’t able to cover the Jeep or the Hornet yesterday. I was nervous for the two outside. The neighbors set off a massive display. We were listening to all the cracks, crackles, and booms, and I was cringing at each one, thinking there were molten fireballs raining down on our cars. I had a red Chevy back in the day, and the paint was burned from fallout from the fireworks. So you see my frustration with it. Luckily for us, the rain was coming in. We laughed as it started pouring down. The fireworks got silent. They went inside, no booms. Rain stopped, booms started back up. Cringing resumes. We continued to watch a movie. It was good, Sinners on Max. Check it out. We did have some damage to the screen out back around the pool. Some hot fallout from one of the neighbor’s fireworks. That sucks. What can you do?

Let’s change gears. Do you ever begrudgingly use or finish something to not give satisfaction of wasted money? I feel this way about some Apple Jacks cereal recently. I don’t hate it, but it’s not my favorite. There is something different with it than I remember from my youth. The cinnamon is a bit spicier and gives almost a numbing sensation when eating it. I’m almost finished with it. I won’t give this cereal the satisfaction of besting my taste buds. I will finish you. I don’t like you, but I will finish you. Silly, right?

Anyway, thank you for stopping by!
~Bruce