FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE
August 8, 2025
LOCAL BRAIN TUMOR HUMILIATED BY PATIENT’S STUBBORN REFUSAL TO DIE
TAMPA, FL — In a stunning turn of events, local troublemaker “Rudy the Tumor” has failed to advance his position for the second MRI in a row, according to reliable sources inside Patient Bruce’s cranium. Medical imaging confirms that Rudy is “stable,” which in oncological terms translates to “You thought you were going to win, didn’t you? Well, you didn’t, you gelatinous loser.”
Radiation treatments have officially concluded, leaving Bruce no longer subject to daily zapping. “I kind of miss the warm, toasty feeling,” Bruce said, “but I’m not going to miss being a walking Easy-Bake Oven.”
Chemo will resume under a new “five-days-on, twenty-three-days-off” model — a schedule so relaxed that Rudy has reportedly filed a workplace grievance citing unfair labor conditions.
Notably, Rudy’s current size is smaller than at initial diagnosis, although unchanged since the last two scans. Experts call this “good news,” while Rudy calls it “fake news.”
Bruce remains upbeat: “Stable means I’m winning. And if Rudy thinks he’s moving in rent-free, he’d better start paying utilities.”
About Bruce
Bruce is a man of grit, humor, and unnervingly resilient middle fingers, currently deployed in the general direction of his tumor. He enjoys cats, Jeeps, and proving MRI technicians wrong.
Media Contact:
Warp Speed Whiskers PR Department
press@rudysucks.com
Tumor Has It 
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